Yes, No, Maybe So: Spider-Man, Karate Kid, A-Team

Usually when I can remember that the general public doesn't go to the movies to see movies but to be a part of pop culture, I'm okay with the constant regurgitation at the cinema. When I don't remember... when I forget that people don't buy tickets to see CINEMA exactly... that's when the despair sets in and I wonder why they always want to see the same film over and over again. (I know, I know, that's the elitist side of cinephilia talking... but trust that I'm totally populist about the all access issue and I am generally angry with film geeks of any persuasion who automatically assume that the new difficult art film is worthier than the new accessible blockbuster or vice versa).

My friend Nick got angry about our heavily regurgitated culture with last month's Sherlock Holmes, giving it a savage beating in review form for all its shortcut identity theft. That Guy Ritchie flick is actually a perfect example. In order to fully enjoy it, you just have to remember that it's not a movie. Sherlock Holmes was a pop culture stocking suffer: Gobble it up, digest it without thinking, move on to other holiday prezzies. It already feels past tense, doesn't it?

But things are getting worse.

The recent cancellation of Sam Raimi's Spider-Man franchise -- they'll reboot it and go back to high school nerd Peter Parker -- is cause for alarm. I can see rebooting things when the originals are generations ago (Star Trek). But Peter Parker graduated from high school not 10 years ago! People don't start getting nostalgic about going back to high school that soon. That happens when they're in their 30s or 40s and then they go and see movies like Peggy Sue Got Married. Freaky Friday or 17 Again. If that yearning for high school starts in your 20s, you're doing your 20s wrong... sorry, Drew! Why do we need to see this again when we can pop in the DVDs any time and watch Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst work their pop culture magic? Rebooting it doesn't even make sense from a nostalgia perspective since it's not "old". There's no new generation to sell it, too. You kind of need a twenty year gap for that excuse.

Spider-Man thru the years: debuted in '62, his own comic by '63,
cartoon by '67, live action by '77, saturday morns in the '80s. The
blockbuster swings in the '00s. This decade might bring
a Broadway musical (long delayed) and a fourth "reboot" film.

There's no movie teaser for my usual "yes, no, maybe so" exercize but Spider-Man 4 breaks down like so in concept...

• yes: Marc Webb, the franchise's new director, is talented. (500) Days of Summer shows that he's got a playful streak (Spider-Man would be abysmal if it was trying to be Batman) and a real cinematic sensibility -- even those who dislike his breakout film would be hard pressed to say that it's a hack job: there are actual visual and thematic ideas at work. It's no point and shoot job.
  
• no: no cobwebs on the original trilogy. What's the point?
  
• maybe so: I guess we'll see who they cast as Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy before we decide whether we'll lineup... now that there's a real director on board.
  

It's too bad that the huge failure of Land of the Lost last summer didn't impede Hollywood's lust for all this recycling. In fact the remake/reboot craze makes no sense to me at all because of the dominance of three things: DVD, Cable and Blu-Ray. When movie culture was confined to actual movie theaters, remakes made sense. Now that everyone can watch the things they love over and over again... well, why stare at a xerox when you can look at the original?

What hath Star Trek (XI) wrought? More TV shows turned movies and more movies turned movie reboots. Not that The A-Team and Karate Kid are sacred entertainment vessels. Although don't tell that to my younger self who wanted to "wax on" and "wax off" until Elisabeth Shue materialised as my real life girlfriend.

The Karate Kid (2010)



The original mainstream 80s classic (of sorts) was so huge it even won an Oscar nomination: Best Supporting Actor for Mr. Miyagi himself, Pat Morita (RIP). Oscar always did love the teachers and mentors... it's a pretty common awards thread. This retread is not likely to win Jackie Chan similar prizes... there's no way a money grab can come across as sweetly likeable and innocent as the original film. The new version also stars genetic lottery winner Jaden Smith. Would you have any concept whatsoever of reality if you grew up with über famous shockingly wealthy parents and were headlining your own movie by the time you were 11 years old? That's like Liza Minnelli mental territory... only quicker like and with deeper pockets.

• yes: Taraji P. Henson (!) The P stands for "love" in Swahili. And I kinda do.
  
• no: Ugh. China as the setting. Even though the lead is black, we've still got to make every foreign or "other" story somehow subtextually about white American superiority. In mere weeks, little Jaden will become better at martial arts than any of the Asian boys who've been doing it their whole lives.
  
• maybe so: We already know that 'wax on/wax off' has become "take your jacket off". But what will painting the fence translate to? Remakes have to spin the famous parts and occasionally that's fun (yes... I'm grasping at straws)

The A-Team (2010)



I'm more okay with this one in concept because the original was such disposable entertainment. The Karate Kid (the original) sticks, you know? It's got heart and a fundamental kindness to it which is so not in vogue anymore that I'm scared to think of how comparatively soulless its remake will be. The A-Team is riper for a remake -- even though TV series don't make for great movie concepts -- it was always dumb junk food.

• yes: Liam Neeson as "Hannibal". Something about this totally works for me (at least in teaser form) but then I have a hard time resisting him every 4th movie or so for some reason.
  
• no: I can already tell this is one of those movies wherein the action doesn't make any sense. I hate that. This is why James Cameron deserves his unfathomable riches. Explosions and crazy ass cutting do not, in and of themselves, make for satisfying action.
  
• maybe so: Bradley Cooper as "Faceman". I'm still deciding about that one... Bradley Cooper, not "Faceman". You?
  

Do you feel like Hollywood ate too much and vomited its leftovers all over you?
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