BAFTA Live! TapeDelay-Blogging

Nathaniel: Hey, kids. It's probably not sane to "tape-delay" blog the BAFTAs -- you probably already know who one, actually -- but this blog isn't exactly of sound mind during awards season (or, ahem, otherwise). I haven't heard about the winners yet. The second I opened a browser I sensed spoilers from all corners so I had to look away. Why doesn't the BBC-America broadcast it live? It's not like anyone who cares wouldn't watch it in the afternoon on a Sunday. But if you've already heard who won on the internet wouldn't that cut down your desire to tune in and thus lower the ratings? I don't get it. So that they could rerun broadcass of nature documentary Life of Mammals? I don't really care about the sharpness of a squirrel's front teeth or how kangaroo rats (omg. idon'tevenknow whatthoseare and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW) store their seeds. Especially not when movie stars are afoot. Someone get me a BBC executive on the phone!

I've also invited txtcritic, who liveblogged the SAGs for me when I was at Sundance, to join me for this event.

"I was hoping for a bigger laugh"

txtcritic: this is already dreadful.

Nathaniel: Whenever they do these collages of best moments from the year, why are they always the films that aren't nominated that get all the time? If they're so great, nominate them!

txtcritic: because clearly the most memorable movie moments of the year were featured in "Nine," "The Men Who Stare at Goats," "The Boat That Rocked" and "Coco Before Chanel."

txtcritic: Yaaaaay! "Moon" finally wins something!

Colin Firth presents an early award to Duncan Jones

Nathaniel: And that'd be the Best Debut Something Or Other. That's actually the title of the category. It was very schizo. The internet film community has been rooting for David Bowie's little boy all grown up (writer/director Duncan Jones) all year so a million facebook statuses just changed simultaneously.

I'm guessing.

txtcritic: If they play this "I See You" song every time "Avatar" wins an award tonight, I might not make it through the evening. Christ almighty.

Nathaniel: Sixty percent of the people in my apartment watching this awards show right now have NOT seen this movie yet. Where am I? Who am I?

txtcritic: They're showing clips from behind-the-scenes of "Avatar," and watching Sam Worthington and Zoe Saldana having to seriously act with emotions while wearing these contraptions and dots all over themselves makes me genuinely impressed that they can get a line of dialogue out without cracking up.

txtcritic: Okay, I'll say it: Christoph Waltz is super eloquent, but I have trouble staying awake through his sentences.

Nathaniel: But they aren't run on sentences. Suck it up, man. I'm actually so impressed that he keeps coming up with new things to say. Remember when Jamie Foxx gave the same exact speech "My Grandma! RESPONSE AND CALL" 27 times in 2004/2005

Costume Design goes to Sandy Powell for The Young Victoria. I just interviewed her and I'll share more of that very soon.

Matthew So-Goode is on screen. Everyone just gasped. The Young Victoria took makeup.

txtcritic: well, judging by how the evening is going so far, "The Young Victoria" is clearly going to win Picture, Director, Actress, Editing, Adapted Screenplay and Visual Effects.

Nathaniel: Mo'Nique takes Supporting Actress. Weirdly Matt Dillon, who must not have been paying attention during this awards season, had to look at a card to introduce Lee Daniels, the director. He accepted for her. We're not sure why since he said virtually nothing other than making a joke about The Hurt Locker not having actresses in it.

Rupert Everett is announcing "Best British Film" . I don't care what anyone says -- including people in this room -- I love him. Even if you think he's an egotistical ass in interviews, at least he gives good quote. Down with celebrities who don't have anything quotable to say!

Rupert looking good after some weird face moments last year.

With both he and Colin Firth there it's like an Another Country reunion. Wow... the prize went to Fish Tank.

txtcritic: Ew, "Fish Tank." This should've been "In the Loop," by far. I honestly don't get what the appeal of "Fish Tank" is. It's just another familiar slice-of-horrible-life movie that doesn't say anything new or engaging. Please explain it to me.

Nathaniel: I can't because my screener was damaged. I need to buy a ticket. Also: I want to go back to something you said to me about Colin Firth. That A Single Man was to him what Rachel Getting Married was to Anne Hathaway: a movie that made you reconsider and totally love the actor in question who you didn't care about before. I'd love to hear which actors that the readers have had this experience with. TELL US.

txtcritic: the Orange Rising Start award, voted by *shudder* the public. I find it disturbing that Nicholas Hoult was nominated for one of the worst performances of last year -- he was basically auditioning to be a Ken doll. This will likely be Carey Mulligan, but deserves to be Tahar Rahim, who is unbelivable in "A Prophet." Jesse Eisenberg is adorable, but he's been "rising" for years now. Ew, gross, Kristin Stewart. I mean, I totally love and support her rocker-chick-aloof-lesbianism thing (even if she won't officially come out), but come the fuck on. I just looked at her IMDb filmography and she hasn't given ONE performance I would describe as better than serviceable.

Nathaniel: I've never heard the lesbian rumor. For her sake, I hope she IS a lesbian. At least that would make one interesting thing about her. I know I bag on Kristen a lot but I will say that the first time I've (almost) enjoyed her in a movie was in The Runaways in which she was playing a lesbian. Weirdly, she managed not to run her fingers through her hair. In other words: she should always wear wigs for future performances. For her that'd be like when people wear nasty tasting nail polish to stop the biting.

txtcritic: "Up in the Air" just won Best Adapted Screenplay, deservedly. Did the supposed Sheldon Turner / Jason Reitman feud flare up again? What in the hell is Reitman doing missing at these awards? What else is he doing?

Nathaniel: Maybe he's consoling Walter Kirn?

txtcritic: Walter Kirn is such a whiny bitch.

Nathaniel: "Experience the magic of Celtic Thunder." That might be the most amazing commercial I've ever seen. Hand me my phone and credit card.

Carey Mulligan, devoured by print fabrics

Nathaniel: A Prophet just won Best Foreign Film. Carey Mulligan, the presenter, seemed very happy about that win. txtcritic was also thrilled. Jacques Audiard had the BEST translator ever. She was hilarious. Translation with comic timing and attitude. What do we think is going to happen with Carey Mulligan? career-wise ... not Shia Labeouf wise.

Clive Owen, presenting Best Director, was just described as "smoother than a waxed otter". Um...

I'm trying to remember what Clive Owen looks like naked to decide if Jonathan Ross knows of what he speaks but I'm drawing a blank. Something is very wrong with me. I used to watch Close My Eyes on loop in college. Where has my memory gone?

Now Best Director goes to Kathryn Bigelow. We have no idea what her acceptance speech was. Especially the end.

And I just would like to dedicate this to never abandoning the need to find a resolution for peace.

Were those English sentences. No sense can be made of them.

UMA ALERT! --->

You know you're too far into awards season when you get the church giggles about microphone placement. But in our defense, UMA's breasts are so memorable that one always notices them.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship Award goes to Vanessa Redgrave. She is A-MAZ-ING. But you know, she's even less comprehensible than Kathryn Bigelow. Bizarrely incoherent, and I believe it approximated about 60% of the show. It ends with some sort of Shakespeare parallels.

txtcritic: I don't remember Shakespeare's Rosalind thanking the BAFTAs...


Nathaniel: Colin Firth wins Best Actor. He really was marvelous in A Single Man as many readers seem to agree (see the Best Actor poll)

Nathaniel: Mr. Mickey Rourke to present Best Actress. "Do you want this bareback or with a raincoat" WTF

txtcritic: AMAZING. Mickey Rourke just threatened to cum inside whoever wins Best Actress.

...and it's the wildly overrated Carey Mulligan. Thankfully Ms. Bullock wasn't nominated. The adorable, young, pretty, pixieish waif will be the one taking the Rourke load.

Nathaniel: Vile. This is a PG rated blog. PG-13 when we let loose. How is Carey "wildly overrated" when Sandra Bullock exists?

txtcritic: Because, even though she's winning undeserved awards, nobody is shouting ejaculatory praise about Ms. Bullock. Meanwhile, people are raving about Mulligan's "transcendant," "maginificent," "star-is-born" performance as if it's more than her just being adorable, and male critics wanting to screw her.

Nathaniel: male critics and Mickey Rourke apparently.

Nathaniel: On to Best Picture with Dustin Hoffman presenting. Did we like him in Last Chance Harvey? Readers?

txtcritic: I liked him quite a bit in that charming-if-forgettable movie. "The Hurt Locker" wins, and Mark Boal just called his earlier speech "uncharacteristically inarticulate." Arrogant much? Either way, Boal and Bigelow make an extremely hot/sexy "we can't announce we're official until after awards season is over" couple.

Nathaniel: There's a reason we keep calling it The Sexy Locker.


That Oscar for Best Picture is looking more and more secure. At this point, it doesn't feel like a two horse race to me. But some other sports metaphor. What?

BAFTA is over anyway. What did y'all think of the show?
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